Beware of Signature Gatherers

I hate signature gatherers. Can’t even walk down the street for lunch without someone pestering me for a signature to save Grumpy Cat. Here I am trying to enjoy my 60 minutes of freedom at lunch and what do I have to walk straight into? Signature Gatherers with their fluorescent jackets occupying the sidewalks waiting to pounce on everyone that goes by.

With more people ignoring them, however, these folks have gotten more aggressive and sneaky. Ever dealt with the guy who walks towards you with his/her palm out expecting a handshake? What’s up with that. I don’t know you. I don’t know where your paws have been. Get away from me! Then there is the “Hey, what’s you name” ice-breaker tactic. Tough luck sweetie. I don’t even talk to my mom and she’s related! What makes you think I’m going to take time out of my limited lunch break to talk to you about saving the penguins up in the North Pole (everyone knows there are no penguins in the North Pole).

Look, maybe it’s the economy. But times are tough. I don’t have time to worry about the balance of nature, saving the dolphins, equal rights for pets. Who gives a shit. I’m having a hard time trying to get my voice heard on things that actually matter to humans – like the plan to defund Planned Parenthood, Legalize Pot, Equal Marriage Rights, Raise the Minimum Wage and the freaking Fiscal Cliff. Animals are just not high on my priority list right now.

For God’s sake, can’t you see I’m desperately waiting to cross the street just to avoid you? Can’t you see me looking down and avoiding looking even in your general vicinity? Can’t you see my emotions change from blank to “I’m gonna knock you out if you take another step? And why the devil do you insist on occupying the entrance of every joint in the neighborhood that means a damn to me? It’s not like there are other ways to enter, so step aside b***h. No I’m not gonna donate blood. You know why? Coz you annoy the crap out of me. I’m a  nice guy and I like to help but maybe, just maybe, you’ll have better luck if you don’t try to piss me off before I can give your cause a chance.


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